MQM saves the day!

There are days when you don’t feel like writing anything. Sitting there, uninspired, unmoved, unmotivated…and suddenly, as if though by a divine intervention, a MQM member tweets the truth. Enjoy.

I took a screenshot in case someone removes the tweet later.


Here’s what we’ll do:

We’ll send you to school first. We’ll get you hooked on phonics and then you can go ahead and ‘safe’ the shit out of this country.


Bluetooth is the answer.

To what?

Pretty much all the hatred in the world. Here is how:

Root of All Hatred

The root of all hatred, in my opinion, is ignorance. Unawareness, inevitably deterring our ability to understand why someone is the way he is. This doesn’t apply only to nations or races, we may stumble upon these issues right at home. Like that time when your father told you not to wear that one certain outfit, or that other time when your mother was going haywire over your haircut? It happens. It upsets you and you feel that intense disliking for your parents, even if it’s only for that single moment. How could they be so dumb? Right?

As logic would have it, someone more educated than you (not always the case, but lets just say so for arguments sake), someone older than you, and someone with much more real world experience than you, should be a lot wiser (if not smarter) than you! Then why is it that you are inclined to believe that your parents are fools? Truth is hard to swallow, but it’s because you have failed to understand them, even if only for that moment.

Their frame of reference is beyond your grasp for now but eventually, you’ll come to understand why they did what they did or said what they said. It doesn’t mean that you’ll agree with it but you will understand it. At that moment, you will develop a soft corner for them. Magically, it will become easier to tolerate them. You might even start liking them, who knows?

Anyways, coming back to the topic, our inability to understand a certain ideology will eventually make us hate it.

This is where Bluetooth comes in.

I hope you weren’t thinking about the bluetooth in your cell phones and mobile devices. Well, it does sort of relate.

The Bluetooth I was speaking of was King Harald “Bluetooth” Gormssonafter which the mobile technology we all use was named. This man, back then the King of Denmark and Norway, was known for unifying warring tribes from Denmark (including Scania, present-day Sweden, where the Bluetooth technology was invented by Ericsson), and Norway. As Wikipedia states it, he had this ability to make “diverse factions communicate with each other”. How he did it is an intriguing mystery and I am looking for a book (your suggestions are welcome) that would highlight that quality of his, but the fact that we lack that factor in our leaders now is why we can’t seem to get along.

If only you could sit down and make time to communicate, and really find out why someone is acting the way they are. Some people like to sit down and talk to themselves about it. Why did my parents do this to me? This sort of introspection usually leads to self-fulfilling arguments against the person you dislike. “They’re morons. They don’t know anything about life.” for example.


Why do Muslims hate us? (The question I’ve heard many, MANY times).

-They blew up the world trade center (did they?).
-They hate our freedom (this is my favorite one).
-They hate Christianity & Jesus. (We don’t. He was mentioned in the Quran 25 times, compared to prophet Muhammad, 4 times.)

The truth is, Muslims don’t hate America any more than Europeans hate America. If you weren’t aware, WE (yeah I’m a citizen, I can say that) AMERICANS are pretty notorious worldwide. Our government has pretty much made us the rich jocks on the street who don’t play well with anybody else. We have the fast cars and we drive by really fast sometimes, pissing off our neighbors & endangering their children’s lives. Yes, people do envy us and it should make sense. We also help our neighbors and other people on the street when it’s in our best interest. We’re the shit. We take care of our people. The blue passport? I can’t tell you how much they love seeing it at international airports.

There was a man at the Malpensa Airport in Milan who was constantly talking shit about Americans from the minute he saw the blue passport. Similarly, while the average Pakistani/Indian labor was being sidelined in Dubai, I was being escorted by a suited protocol down the aisle and past the lines! All because of my blue passport. Security cameras are my witness, I didn’t have to utter a word. The Arabs love seeing a blue passport, no matter what you’ve heard.

Point being, that it’s not just the Muslims that hate us. Also, their are 2.6 million Muslims in America (as of 2010) and I assure you that you can’t live in this country and hate it. You may say so but, you will learn to love it once you have to leave it. Otherwise you wouldn’t be here. America is still the most tolerant country on earth. It is the melting pot of all cultures. America was built by immigrants, and all that. Cliché, I know.


Why do Americans hate us?

Most Pakistani’s ask that question, or different variations of it.

If you are a Pakistani and think the Americans hate you, you’re an idiot.

The truth is, America was the first country to send aid in all forms after the 2010 floods. $1.1 billion (104,153,500,000 in Pakistani rupees) in cold hard cash, 56,000 ready meals, vehicles, helicopters and aid workers. Probably way more than Pakistan could muster up from all the countries in the world combined. Don’t believe me? Click right here, see for yourself. Not to mention all the private and corporate AMERICAN organizations that stepped in to help. USAID, heard of them?

It would have made sense to let someone you hate just drown.

Do you know what happened to all that money? We all heard the stories of flood victims receiving only 5000 rupees (53 dollars?) per family, didn’t we? How about that one story where one of the politicians was selling relief blankets out of his basement at market price? I wish I could find the links right now.

America has been there time and time again, watching your back and trying to help you up on your feet. America, as a matter of fact, has given away so much money that we might be permanently handicapped. Our leaders are like those dogs who became too used to being fed for every good deed, whether or not it was in the Nation’s best interest.

So, that was my take on why we hate each other & why we shouldn’t. I’m not exactly Bluetooth, but I’m always trying to give Americans and Muslims someone they can sit down and talk with. Maybe try to diminish some misunderstandings and see if we can get along. The less we focus on attacking each other, the more we can focus on actual progress.

Imagine all that military funding going towards cancer research.

So it begins…

Or has this been going on for a while? Was I just too oblivious to notice? Well, some may want to argue that this has been going on since the advent of humanity itself but so was incest and well, we don’t do that anymore. Do we? Do you? What am I talking about?

Here’s the employment ad from a large Australian supermarket chain called Coles. Funny enough, the ad appeared on Gumtree’s website, which is a UK based advertisement agency. It’s like the American Craigslist or a Pakistani OLX. Anyways, take a look.


Discrimination, evidently, is what I was referring to.

So in the fallout of this event, Coles has made an apology and reassured their customers that the ad was placed by a “third” party advertiser. Also, Tasmania’s Anti-Discrimination Commissioner Robin Banks said she wanted to track down the cleaning contractor to pursue possible legal action (hah), and now the Asians which make up 7% of the Australian population (compared to the 4.4% in America) are somewhat relaxed.

Asians are a creature of habit. When you do them wrong, they sit at home, bitch and moan, forget about it the next day. Take Pakistan for example. The amount of foreign aid transferred to the Pakistani Treasury in cash (not including supplies, materials and raw materials) over the last 10 years is a whopping $8.647 billion. The average middle class citizen is NOT AWARE of this information. No one ever asks where the money goes from there. Back on the topic, Asians are just too busy feeding their families and talking about people behind their backs. I never expected them to stand up for themselves, I never will.

I also never expected much of big corporations anywhere. Coles is owned by Wesfarmers, Australia’s largest corporation since 2006 when they took over Coles. A corporation only cares about the money there is to be made, if they have to break the law (or break the hearts) and pay a relatively small fine, they will go ahead and do it. The entire marketing department can’t be held responsible for the actions of that one racist bigot who drew the ad up, and of course the man who proofread it was just having a bad day too. The ad costs £14.95 for 60 days and whoever signed off on that transaction can’t be held responsible either, right?

Well, I’m not for the manufactured hysteria that surrounds such events, but this had me wondering:

How many times during a day, is a white man reminded that he is white? How many times during the week does he have to remember that someone, somewhere in his country of birth, does not welcome him or his family because of something that he can not change?

Ruminate on that for a while.


The gifts they gave me…

Believe me, I’m not a spoiled man-child! A gift is a gift, right? We are to accept it. We are to take what we are given, not what we want to be given. Beggar’s can’t be choosers, unless they beg in Liberty Market, where they can be choosers! Anyways, with that said, here are some gifts that have disappointed me time & time again:

1- Clothes: Actually I’m going to be honest with you. I don’t mind getting clothes now that I live by myself. The more I have, the better I feel. However, when I was a child and someone gave me clothes, I used to get extremely upset. I remember it was Eid and I believe I was 5 years old when someone very near & dear brought over a big box all wrapped up in shiny paper. I was super excited. That person was catered to (by my parents) while I sat across from her & stared at that box because I just knew it was for me. Then she said the magic words. “Look what I got you!” Of course I was excited. There were little tiny penguins jumping around inside my belly. I hopped over like a little kangaroo as she took the liberty to unwrap the present herself. My present. Out came an ugly little outfit fit for a midget farmer. This was my reaction.

2- DVD’s: That was cool like back in 2003 maybe when DVD’s were like Tupac’s hologram and no one had them but seriously? I’m a pirate now. I download all my movies. I sell them off if someone is still silly enough to buy them. You bring me that DVD and it’s about as good as bringing me a stone tablet from back in Moses days. I don’t want it. Chances are I’ve already seen it. I do collect DVD’s though so, I’m not sure about this one either. I’ll take it I guess, I don’t know.

3- Calculator: Ok, here is another case where my parents have taught me better than that but I can’t help it so I’m going to get this off my chest. It was my high school graduation and I was at the local Islamic center where they always do this thing with graduating children, right? Anyways, they called my name up and have me like a $25 check along with a dollar store calculator. I was disappointed. I had a TI-84 Plus at home,  I needed it for calc. Anyways, I walked out and punted it. Yes, literally punted it. Then all my friends joined in, that was fun. Here is what a punt kick looks like. Watch the guy all the way on the left mmkay?

4- Pens: I hate pens, except for the one that my fiancée gave me, which I love very much! I’m keeping that one. Not because I want to stay alive, but because I love that pen. It’s a Parker and it’s made of awesome things and it comes with a certificate. Everyone else that ever gave me a pen should have just given me cash instead, I could have bought food and groceries with it. It’s hard out here for a medical student. I don’t even know what I do with pens that people give me. Except for the one that my fiancée gave me. I saved it and I know where it is because I saved it. If you’re reading this, I wrote it with your pen. I love you 🙂 Thanks!

5- Hugs (and handshakes): Yes, I was once offered a hug for my birthday. It was my 14th. It was the best gift ever but that was the last time I accepted a hug as a gift. Everyone needs a hug every now and then. Not me. When I want a hug, I’ll ask for it because I know they are free. Plus I know how cute it looks when someone asks for or offers a free hug. I don’t accept them as gifts though. This is how I feel about hugs as gifts:

6- Gift Cards to awkward places: Here are a few places I’ve received gift cards for: Bath & Body works, McDonald’s, Pac Sun, some hobby store and Bed Bath & Beyond. Really? Bed, bath & beyond? What am I? Your mother?

7- Cologne/Perfume: Your choice sucks. I don’t want to smell like your choice all day, please don’t gift me any fragrances. The elderly always bring me something that smells like funeral homes and the young’n keep bringing me some fruity, branded beach crap. I don’t want it.

Well, that’s about it for the gifts I don’t want.

As for what I want… I’m still a child at heart. I loved playing with toys until I was like 15 maybe? We didn’t have internet until I was in 11th grade so the only form of indoor entertainment I had were books and toys. Well, the toys phase is long gone now (not really) but I do like gadgets. I’ll take anything with a button and/or a screen on it really. Wiring too, no mechanical crap please (unless it’s cool). Oh and I love books. I love receiving books as gifts because I can never go out and buy them. I can never decide which one I want to read. I hate eReaders because I love to collect the original books themselves, and you can always be sure I will read them no matter what they are. Let’s see, what else. Yeah I think that’s about it. Oh and coffee and tea bags are nice, but no Lipton & Red Label shit please. Actually don’t buy me coffee, you’ll fuck it up I know. Oh look, almost went a whole post without a gaali!

Didn’t like the post? Here’s an aloo.

Everything USMLE (Part 1)

The United States Medical Licensing Exam (USMLE), my friends, is a dark ocean of confusion. Those who come out alive on the other side are a chosen few & their success is well deserved. Fear not though. In this blog, I will try my best to address all your questions regarding the USMLE. Please feel free to ask me anything in the comments or drop me a line on Facebook, Twitter, or my email. Or you can ask me to my face! Yeah! The old fashioned way. You can!

First of all, in order to apply for the USMLE, you have to make sure that your school is registered with FAIMER’s International Medical Education Directory (IMED). Please click this link and make sure your college is registered. The only requirement for your college to be registered is that it is approved by the local health authorities of your country. In case of Pakistan, it is the Pakistan Medical & Dental Council (PM&DC). If your college is not registered on IMED, unfortunately, you can not apply for the USMLE. In that case, please speak with the authorities at your college. If they refuse to help, let me know & I will call and yell at them because I’m good at that. Yes I am. Then I will try to help you get your college registered and make sure you are recognized for it. Yes I will! I’m like your dream come true.

Secondly, you need to know when you want to take the USMLE. You can not take that exam until you have studied Anatomy, Embryology, Histology, Physiology, Biochemistry, Pathology, Pharmacology, Microbiology, and Behavioral Sciences along with interdisciplinary areas (genetics, aging, immunology, nutrition, and molecular and cell biology) which are taught within the major courses. For Pakistani students, you can not take this test until after your fourth year when you have finished studying Special Pathology. You could take it but it would be easier to get a better score if you have studied all of Pathology first. Obviously, it would be the easiest to take it after 5th year but that’s only my opinion.

Also, please make sure you take it only when you are ready for it. You need to make sure you have studied well for it. A high USMLE Step 1 score means a better residency. If your step 1 score is low, forget about getting employed easily, let alone having your choice of residency. Best study methods and which books gave the best results on the USMLE will be addressed in a future post.

So, with that said, here we go:

In order to apply for the USMLE, you need to register with the Educational Commission for Foreign Medical Graduates, also known as the ECFMG. Follow these steps.

1- Apply for your USMLE ID: Please click HERE to be routed to USMLE ID registration page. This is your first step in order to apply for the USMLE. After this page opens, make sure you read it well and scroll down to the bottom, click to check that box and then click next. You need to fill out the form with all the information they asked for. Once you have submitted your application, wait 10 days for your USMLE ID to arrive in your email inbox. Check your spam folder as well. Once your USMLE ID arrives, it is your permanent USMLE ID. Please record it in several safe places, none of which are your textbooks.

2 – The Interactive Web Application (IWA): Clicking this link will take you to the IWA. Please make sure you have good internet and a printer with paper & ink. You log into the IWA with your USMLE ID and a password which was sent along with that ID. Please take extra caution when filling out this application. If you are unsure of anything, save your application and log out. You can ask your question here and if I don’t know the answer, I can always find out for you. You can then go back and finish your application at later time, but make sure you save it before you log out. At the end of this application, you will be asked to print out the following forms.

Form 344, a checklist of things you need to attach (Diploma, 2 photographs, etc)
Form 345, two copies, allow ECFMG access to your medical school documents.
Form 183/186I will address these forms in a later post if anyone needs help.

3 – Send those documents & forms: They will give you an address for the ECFMG during the application as well as on the forms. Use the address and send these documents to ECFMG in Philadelphia.

4 – Wait for confirmation and such: ECFMG will notify you by email as well as snail mail that they have received your forms. They will then get in touch with your medical school to verify your credentials and obtain your transcripts if you have already graduated. Your medical school will then send the required documents back to ECFMG. This step can take up to a total of six months! If your college is enrolled in ECFMG Medical School Web Portal (EMSWP), it will only take a few days. Please urge your college to enroll in EMSWP if you want this done faster. I am pretty sure it’s free and if it isn’t, it can’t be that expensive.

5 – On-line Applicant Status and Information System (OASIS): Another long scary name? No worries. You are used to long names by now. Did you study Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis yet? Okay, sorry for getting off track. Here we go. Once you have waited for step number four above to finish, you are ready to log into OASIS. Pleas click here to access their login page. Once you have logged in, look to the left side of the page and click on “Medical Education Credentials and Standard ECFMG Certificate”. If it says Medical education credentials received and verified, I want a fucking party! These are the golden words you are looking for in your status. If it doesn’t say that, you are not ready for the next step.

6 – Apply for USMLE: You can do this from IWA or OASIS. At this point you will have to pay them money though. Here are the current fee requirements. Make sure that you apply for the correct eligibility period. It means that if you want to take the exam in July 2015, select June-July-August 2015.

7 – Print your scheduling permit: It will show up on your screen once you’re done applying, along with registration ID and confirmation number. You should print all these out and take them with you to the exam. Before this, they used to have little orange slips. Not anymore.

8 – Pick your examination date: You have to visit the Prometric Website in this link and choose your exam date. This will be within the eligibility period you chose earlier.



That’s it. You’re all set.

You should know that I’m only human and I do make mistakes sometimes. I have checked and double checked all the information above. If I missed something or wrote something wrong, please feel free to let me know.

Also feel free to contact if you have any questions or suggestions for future USMLE posts. Best of luck!

Pakistani youth and the etiquette of social networking.

The assertions made in this post do not necessarily apply to the youth as a whole but rather address the majority (or minority, your word against mine) of Pakistani youngsters that use Facebook, Twitter, and other social networking medium to embarrass themselves, their country and their people, including myself. Aur agar kisi ne kaha k in mae se koi bhi baat jhoot hai, tou dharti maa ki kasam mae tumhari facebook se he examples nikal k isi blog mae post karun ga. 

Dear Youth of Pakistan,

This is you. Yes, I said you. I am you from a parallel dimension where you are more mature and less stupider. You may read more about the Multiverse Theory here if you are so curious as to how that’s possible. Anyways, that’s not important. Here is what’s important. You are fucking annoying! Not only that, you are an embarassment. You are a shame to have around. You are not cool and advanced, you are actually setting your people BACK another 20 years by pretending to be morons. Here is how you’re doing it. AKA, 7 ways to act like a total retard.

1. Misspelling your own name (specially with that fucking you like so much)
So hardcore. Zain becomes Xain. Nazish becomes Naxish. My favorite was Asad becoming Axad. No! Hell no. Adding an X to your name does not make you cool guys. It makes you look like you can’t spell your own name. Your facebook profile is you! It’s your persona on the internet. You have to pretend so hard, that you don’t even keep your real name? Anyone with an X in their name where it doesn’t belong should remove it or be prepared for humiliation. X marks the spot, as the old adage goes.

2. The endless dots…………..
It’s called an Ellipsis and it consists of only three dots…like so. It is supposed to represent a missing word. Like you wanted to say something…but you would rather not. You have the audacity to use it EVERYWHERE! You use it in the middle of your sentences, you use it to end your sentences and the mother of all fuck-ups even uses it to BEGIN your sentences. What’s the matter with you? I know you have spent your entire life without acquiring any real knowledge but why make it so known to public?

3. Random capitalization (ranDom CapitaLization)
As a rule of thumb, here is what you should capitalize.
-Beginnging of a sentence
-Titles (of books, movies, etc.)
-Everything else derived from Proper Nouns.
This capitalization bit is actually the inspiration for writing this article. It was a dear friend’s birthday today and when I got on her facebook to wish, I was wishing I hadn’t. There were about 20 posts and not a single one with proper grammar, capitalization or spelling. Not just because they’re illiterate, oh no. Please don’t think I’m conceited; but because they wanted to be so cool and write happy Birthday, and happy bday, or my favorite…haPPy bday! My lord.

4. Frandshipperz (Mae ap se fraaaaandsheeep krna chahta houn)
Most of the girls will agree when I say this. Jaaaa oye tharki penchoda. Pardon my French.

5. Misspelling on purpose.
Happiness has two p’s, not one. The word true has the letter e at its end. The word but has a “u” in the middle. So on and so forth. Among yourselves you seem cool but when the rest of the world sees your posts, they think you are retarded. I really wish I could post some screenshots here but I’ll wait until someone decides to be the patriotic hero & argues with me so I can post from their (or their loved ones, yes I will stoop that low) facebook. Hehe. Please stop.

6. Posting facts that are not facts.
Some of my favorite ones:
MBBS & Guinness world records.
The Burma Muslims
There were many more with Pepsi having alchohol and some ridiculous ones about Islam but let’s not tread those waters. By the way, here is the truth about The Burmese Muslims.

7. The lonely boy & Selena Gomez (Last but not least)
The biggest, stupidest thing you guys do is when:
A girl posts this as her Profile Picture.
Or when a boy posts something similar to this as his profile picture.
If you looked like Selena Gomez girl, I probably would let you keep that picture but you don’t. If your profile picture is Selena, the chances are you’re a yetti. If your profile picture is a lonely boy, chances are you have dysfunctional hormones and need lots and lots of lube, muthal.

*Sigh*. Guys, don’t hate me because I speak the truth. Sometimes we all need to look hard in the mirror. You are welcome to hold the mirror up to my face some day as I’m quite open to introspection anyways, but this is my time. This is my blog and you’re welcome. For those of you still upset, here’s a potato.

Visiting vs. staying in, Pakistan.

Oh yeah, the difference is appreciable to say the least. I have spent my adolesence, my teens and some of my adulthood (excuse the overweening) in New York, without even as much as a single visit back to motherland. The phenomenon I am about to give an account of however was derived from personal observations.

Most American-Pakistanis who have visited Pakistan will agree that you’re treated nothing short of royalty when you’re there. People are always surrounding you, making sure all your needs are catered to. A driver is assigned to attend to your travel requirements, along with a car. The pantry and the fridge is always overstacked with foods for the entire length of your stay. Most of the time you don’t even eat at home. A visit to the most expensive restaurant is warranted almost 3 to 4 times a week. If it’s not a restaurant then you’ll be invited to someone’s house. Their ulterior motives aside, people really do suck up beyond all belief. They want you to know that you’re a perfect human being and all those little pecularities, the little annoyances you seemed to find in the mirror begin to diminish.

You, the selfish bastard you are, never miss an opportunity to take advantage of their hospitality either. I mean sure, as a rule of thumb you have to turn down every offer at least once or twice to show how modest & humble are. Meanwhile, deep inside the little hypocrite can’t wait to exploit those people’s innocence (or cunningness).

Oh and how it sucks to leave. It makes you want to cry. To think of returning to the land of equal opporunity? Right? Where you can’t have servants to mistreat. Where you can’t feel superior to people for no logical reason. Where you have to go to work and contribute to society in order to be appreciated. Don’t you wish your stay could be extended to permenance? Don’t you wish you could just stay forever? If you do, I suggest you reconsider.

Forget experiencing even the slightest bit of hospitality. They can’t buy all that fruit & bottled water for that amount of time. Are you out of your mind? You can forget about the restaurants too, what if you get too used to it? They don’t want to start a tradition they can’t carry on. The pantry will probably be understocked to make sure you don’t rely on them to feed you. You will never amount to anything worthy and it doesn’t matter if you’re the envy of the masses. You will be just another Pakistani. Just another one of the hundred and seventy seven million people dawdling through their lives.

Now I feel like I’m just communing my personal hatred towards not being treated like a royalty. Meh.