I was trying to study bacteriology & parasitology.
It was difficult. All I could imagine was a nematode crawling around in my soleus.
Needless to say, I have a very vivid and, at times, over-active imagination.
So far, every single disease I have studied, I have also tried to find in myself.
This is one of the reasons why I was able to quit smoking so fast. From 2 packs a day to cold turkey on January 22nd, 2012 and never again. I would spend nights after nights, staring at the ceiling and picturing the cilia suddenly become paralyzed. I would see the metaplasia transforming my airway epithelium and a cold chill would run down my spine followed by the inevitable neurogenic dyspnea. Anxiety would ensue and I would sit up, light a cigarette and walk out of the room with the iPod & a cup of coffee. By the way, did you know that if you become consciously aware of your breathing, you WILL suffer from some degree of dyspnea until you’re distracted? Most people will, anyways. I did, I still do.
“Everything we studied today, I have it & I’m going to die!”
Moving on, or actually, coming back to the topic. I went on to close the microbiology books and decided to rest my head for a while…on my pillow. Of course I started talking to myself and somewhere during the discourse, I fell asleep.
30 minutes later, I was awake but I wasn’t in my flat. Not for the first few seconds at least. The power was out and I thought I was in a completely different world somewhere. I was frightened to my very core. I tried to reason with myself only to no resolve. There was no rationale behind my fear, just that my heart was beating super fast. At first, I thought night terrors. That was easy to rule out because I wasn’t suffering from fever, no chills and absolutely no sweating despite the fan being off. Also, people with night terrors are usually able to fall back asleep withing 20-30 minutes; something I wasn’t able to do all night. It was just, very very dark. It was 4am! However, I could see everything in my room. One of the things I saw was my cupboard, which I never leave open, ajar! That didn’t help.
Now all I could imagine was someone, a rogue member of some fundamentalist group barging in through my flat door. I kept making mental notes about purchasing a gun the first thing in the morning. I was mentally beating myself up for not already having purchased it. Why was everything so visible? Was the moon out? I didn’t have it in me to get up off my bed and look. I just wanted to fall asleep but closing my eyes only enhanced the fears. There was this feeling of an oncoming, imminent disaster!
At 4:40am, the power came back. The weirdest thing because it wasn’t supposed to be back until 5:00am. I was relieved though, but that relief only lasted until 4:50, when it went out again. Power doesn’t fuck around like that in Mirpur where I live. It’s consistent with it’s coming and going. At this point, I tried to call my fiancee because I thought it would help to talk with someone. And since it pours when it rains, my phone was getting NOTHING but static. I think that was the tipping point for me.
So like any other normal human being, I sat up and signed on to Twitter and started tweeting all that was going on.
Yes, like every other biped on earth, I also have a Facebook and a Twitter.
It actually helped a lot.
I went on to tweet until about 5:30 AM.
Then I watched the Cowboys vs. Bears game until 6:30. That’s when the alarm was set for.
That urge to purchase a gun went away after a cold shower.
I’m not anti-gun, I just never liked the idea of having something I would regret using. Seriously.
Of course during the test today, I was like:
What is all this jibberish?
Yeah I handed in a blank sheet of paper for the parasitology part. I could have attempted a few questions but my heart wasn’t in it.
As for reaching an explanation for last night’s little extravaganza:
Probably just test-anxiety manifesting itself as a nightmare that I didn’t remember upon waking up.
We only remember 10% of our dreams. That’s a fact. I remember less than that.
The cupboard door left ajar and the static on my cellphone go unexplained, for now.
Earth’s magnetic field playing with the solar winds? Oh for fuck’s sake, who you gonna call?