Hogging Loneliness. [Two]

I can’t remember the inciting event.

Perhaps it was a holiday, or maybe I fell ill. It could have even been a mixture of events, but there was an occurrence that helped me distinguish between solitude and loneliness.

Solitude was a choice. Loneliness was a cancer.

Being by myself was how I always recharged my batteries. Whenever I needed to regain composure, gather my nerves and come up with my creative best, I would look for seclusion. Some people tend to go out and draw their energy from being around others. They actively share their opinion, and as much as I enjoy being expressive, it never was my niche in society.  I preferred to listen, reflect and stay focused on my chosen set of interests, almost naturally.

After being a recluse for what suddenly seemed like decades, I decided that it wasn’t for me.

Being alone became tedious. I started to feel drained halfway through the day without even doing anything. I began to wonder if I had converted to the dark (read: extrovert) side or if I had just become a victim of  self-inflicted social abandonment.

Being alone to ponder over such questions never helped much.

Social engagement became a necessity almost as quickly as social disconnection had become my priority. I reached out to my fellows and colleagues, who seemed more than welcoming to let me in their social circles. I found their company to be almost always one dimensional. It didn’t take long for me to realize that keeping up with this company would be a detriment to whatever was left of my intellect, and that it needed to be cut loose.

In my resolve to not reduce myself to a label, I decided to make the best of my situation, and blah blah blah, here I am. I can’t keep writing about myself. I hate this post and the idea behind it. And I said “I” too much in both part one and part two here, which is killing me. So that’s that.

My life is a series of unfinished thoughts and unpursuable ambitions. This post will just have to be added to that long list of deeds.

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6 thoughts on “Hogging Loneliness. [Two]

  1. Solitude might be liberating and allow you to exercise your independence, but it doesn’t take time to push away people and loneliness to hit. Exactly what I have been overthinking these days, and I absolutely loved this dyad, Mango. You write with such beautiful and uncomplicated conviction.

  2. You know what? You’re absolutely wonderful. I’m not even kidding.
    This post and the one before it, gave me an exclusively new and very different concept of solitude, being a lone and everything that exist with it and come along. One thing I’d add, when social engagement turns out to be a necessity, it is never pleasing hence you go to disconnection with more zeal.
    This,
    “Solitude was a choice. Loneliness was a cancer.” Caught me into a deep thought for a long time.
    But then again, all along being yourself turns out to be exhausting. No matter how much you like it, you end up getting too much of yourself and feel knackered.
    As much as continuously talking about own self irritates you, the same way constantly reading about someone bores me. But no matter how much of a ME post it was, I LOVED IT. A subtle way to look up into your life, the way you live it.
    Shall I remind it again? You’re wonderful.

  3. “Being alone to ponder over such questions never helped much.”

    Why do I always find something to relate to in your posts! Early on for me, solitude became a compulsion, which led it becoming to a habit and is now my choice. Choosing solitude, reveling in it can lead one to be oblivious of loneliness. But it’s never as simple as “be a hermit, never be lonely”. The virtual silence has rendered me rather lonely, as it was my social interaction of choice. To find a balance; to be content in oneself, regardless of whether there is company, and to find place for social interaction, parallel to that; is ideal. It seems virtually impossible, too.

    Keeping in touch is necessary, to some extent, no matter how much we wish to withdraw. Detrimental as it may be to our intellect, in a sense of making do with what you have, we should (grudgingly, as the case may be) admit to ourselves that man was created a social creature, and actual social interaction is a complusion.

    And sir, it’s YOUR blog. There’s supposed to be me-ness in your posts, and if you do indulge in the odd piece that entirely screams ME, I think it might be forgivable. Excellently written.

    As ever, your fan.

  4. This post is scary. Grumpy is in phase 1- solitude over everything else, no guilt for referring to themselves in third person or any other indiction of narcissism or excessive self obsession. They like it that way.
    Your post’s like a warning. I can’t fathom what will happen to me once solitude, presently synonymous with refuge, becomes something else. Meh, I won’t think about it. (Impossible, I overthink every thing)

    Looking forward to more posts, hopefully something about how to deal with this.

  5. I had the same problem. I wanted solitude but I didn’t want to be lonely. There’s a big difference between being alone and being lonely. I can hide myself away for 2-3 days but inevitably I NEED to be around because I tend to crawl back into the depths of my mind and not come out. It’s not healthy for anyone and I sincerely hope that things have changed for you since you first wrote this.
    Also I don’t think you need to be embarrassed about these two posts like you mentioned. Showing your vulnerabilities and weaknesses allows you to reach out and connect with people and I feel like I truly did that just now.

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